There are countless how-to articles out there on how to land the perfect job. From stressing the importance of a firm handshake to making eye contact with your interviewer to demonstrate how professional you are. But let’s face it. Most people ignore that stuff So what if we gave some really REALLY bad advice. Would anyone notice? We’re about to find out.
1.) Get Gropey: When the interview is over, give your interviewer a kiss on the cheek and a really long and tight hug. (30 second minimum) Bonus points if you’re sweaty. Finish up by breaking out your cell phone and taking a selfie with them.
2.) SnapChat: Refuse to answer any question by any method other than SnapChat
3.) Intimidation: During the interview, slide your chair around the desk and sit beside the interviewer. Then ask how deep they search into the candidates’ criminal records. Act like nothing is weird.
4.) Talent: Mid-interview try to lick your elbow.
5.) Rodents: Ask your interviewer if the company has a policy against pet rats in the workplace. If you happen to have a purse or a satchel, this would be a good point to open it up, smile, and make kissy faces at something inside it.
6.) Seriously? One word: Beans
7.) Ambition: When the question phase of the interview starts, ask your interviewer what’s the quickest path to getting their job. Follow up by asking specific details about their office and how you could go about changing the decor.
8.) Forget Me Not: Leave 8X10 autographed photos of yourself on every car in the parking lot.
9.) Snacks: Bring a huge bag of potato chips into the interview and eat them continuously without closing your mouth.
10.) Be Funny: When asked why you should get the job, start laughing hysterically but never actually answer the question.
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